Friday, January 09, 2009
The Most Disgusting Thing I Can Remember
If you're disturbed by boogers or snot, stop reading now. Otherwise, enjoy. This story was so disgusting the retelling of it made my sister vomit. Seriously. Maybe it's a family thing, but other people's phlegm, lung cookies, or whatever you want to call it fouls me out instantly. If I see a loogie hanging in a drinking fountain, it's all I can do to limit the noise from gagging and hope to not lose it on the floor. So it should come as no surprise that a childhood friend of mine frequently disgusted me--to protect the innocent, let's call him Nate. You see, rather than being booger-phobic he was booger-philic. That's right, he was a booger eater. During church, he would often take the time to load up each of his fingers with the finest his nose had to offer. Thereafter, he'd take out his retainer and then savor each one in turn. He'd do this while sitting in the choir seats. And no, that's not the most disgusting thing he did, though it makes me throw up a little in my mouth to think of it. The nastiest thing he did happened right before lunch hour while we were in the sixth grade. The rest of the class had lined up for lunch but for whatever reason the two of us were running behind. Mr. Toledo sent us back to the sink to wash our hands. As I followed Nate to the sink, he sneezed. A hearty, lung clearing sneeze from his flu-filled lungs. As he assessed the damage, he realized his retainer had snagged a good portion of the lung cookies of his sneeze. There was no way he was going to let that go to waste, so he slurped his retainer clean. I am now gagging uncontrollably, so I'll have to stop.